8) Sex Issues
Our society continually pressures us to be thinking about sex. It is everywhere: in magazines; on billboards; in the cinema; in shops. Sexual imagery is all around us and it creates an image of sex that is far removed from reality.
The pressure of sex
If pressure is put on us, imagine how teenagers must feel. They see an image of a model and think that’s what they’re meant to look like. A young couple go to see a film: 20 minutes in the actors begin their sexual routine. It’s all so wonderful – for a start, the bed is always made! The on-screen lovers appear to be very confident, they both smell lovely – with no hint of body odour – and they both know what to do and where to put everything. They reach climaxes together and lie contentedly in each other’s arms afterwards. Teenagers watching the film come to the conclusion that sex is simple and easy to master. They are about to discover the reality that sex can be messy and devastating.
Paul’s honeymoon story
Sex can be great, but it often takes a process of learning to make it so! Paul Francis, Director of Going Public, often tells his honeymoon story in schools to balance the view that the media portrays:
‘When we finally got to the hotel it was eleven o’clock at night. It looked smaller than it had appeared in the brochure and I felt my heart sink. Just about the only contribution I’d made to the wedding arrangements was to choose the hotel. The day had gone well and my wife was looking radiant. I so wanted the evening to be memorable. We found our room and it was lovely; Jane smiled when she saw the chilled bottle of wine and roses on the bed and I began to relax. Everything was going to be great.
And it could have been, but to my horror I suddenly noticed that instead of a double bed there were two singles. I quickly found the manager. ‘This is our honeymoon, and this was meant to be your honeymoon suite!’ I said.
The manager was very apologetic but explained that due to an oversight another couple were in the honeymoon suite.
‘But there are single beds in here,’ I pleaded. At that point I should have argued and demanded a double room. But when the manager suggested a solution I went along with it as he said it had worked before.
‘I’ll send you up some rope,’ he said ‘and you can tie the beds together.’
‘Send it up fast!’ I exclaimed
And so on the night I’d waited 28 years for, the night I’d long dreamed of, I was giving it my best effort when the beds parted. Jane and I both crashed to the floor. I looked up at the ceiling and wanted to die, but just then Jane leant over and whispered into my ear, ‘Darling…I think I felt the earth move.’ The laughter could be heard long into the night.
Paul and Jane have moved on from there. Sex is a learning curve that involves laughter, tears and misunderstandings. Why? Because sex is part of a relationship.
One of the big lessons you can teach your children is that sex is not just a physical act; it goes much deeper than that. Sex needs to be placed in the context of worth, value and love. These may seem like high ideals, but it is often what teenagers are looking for.
Simply the best
When it comes to the issue of sex you need to decide what you believe is right and communicate that to your children. If you are married, both partners need to agree and say the same thing!
We believe the right place to enjoy sex is in a life-long relationship – marriage. Many will not agree with this but that is where we start from. It may be that you do not agree and are happy for your children to have sex outside of marriage when they are over the legal age. In this situation your teenagers need to be educated so that they can make informed choices.
We believe that sex is best reserved for marriage even though many marriages breakdown because we believe in life-long commitment and know of no other model that works better. No other model is better for bringing a sense of intimacy and security to a relationship. We know of no better model for bringing up children.
Medical evidence points to the fact that the greatest protection from sexually transmitted infection is when we stick with one partner.
We believe that a life-long relationship is the best place to have sex because it can be learned together, in security. A couple can share in a secure emotional environment. We believe that it is the best for humanity and what we want our children to experience.
To know what, when and how to talk about sex
How can we best help our teenagers in the whole area of sex and sexuality? How can we help them to stay as young and innocent, yet wise, as possible?
We often forget but adolescence is a tough time as passions rage in our teenager’s bodies, as they struggle with disturbing thoughts and the fear of rejection, as they suffer mood swings and battle with the desire for independence and the need to come home.
Lessons in sex education
1. Don’t Panic
A number of things will begin to happen when your children begin to move from being kids to adults:
• Your food bill rockets
• Their bodies grow inches in months
• Spots appear all over their faces
• One day they act responsibly, the next they act like an 8-year-old
• Hormones come alive
• The opposite sex is discovered
These are the signs of the teenage years and this is the time when they need to be given clear guidelines on sex
2. Common Beliefs
As has been said previously, if you have a partner then you need to agree on what you both think is acceptable and what is not, and you need to present a united front! If you agree with our perspective that sex is best reserved for a life-long relationship, then you need to work out the reasons why and explain them to your children. If you don’t agree you need to decide what you are happy with and talk to them about it. You will need to give them advice on contraception. You will have to talk through what is acceptable. A one-night stand? Sex with someone you love? Sex with someone you are going to live with? You need to think these issues through and communicate with your teenagers. It is vital you do this. You cannot leave your children to the whims of society. In our modern age teenagers need to know where their parents stand, and why.
3. The Talk
Most parents believe that at a given age and on a given day you have to sit down with your son or daughter and have a frank, open talk about the facts of life. This thought may give parents sleepless nights, worrying how they can start the conversation and what they should say. Once the talk is over the subject need never be mentioned again. It’s as if one half-hour with your child will ward off all future problems.
Unfortunately sex education is not that simple. It begins from the minute your child is born. It begins with your view of your own sexuality because your child will observe this. If, you and your partner do not hold hands or show demonstrable signs of affection, a clear message is given to your children.
Sex education must begin by first demonstrating, then teaching, the power of loving relationships. Through your words and actions, you must familiarise your children with the vocabulary of relationships: love, honesty, intimacy, forgiveness and grace.
You need to be giving out healthy, positive images. When they are young let them see you in the bath! This means at a young age they will notice biological differences and begin to ask questions. Don’t avoid them and don’t tell them to go and ask your partner! Obviously their minds will not grasp the major details but they will have positive messages about it. Be demonstrative in front of them. Hold hands when you go for a walk. Kiss each other as you go to work. Show there is nothing to be embarrassed about. A major part of the battle in this area is attitude.
As your children grow older their questions will get more detailed but don’t avoid them. Tackle them by giving the information that will help your children, giving it little by little. This may mean that there is never one big talk, but even if there is, you have laid a foundation.
It is important that from birth a healthy attitude toward the body and sex has been developed. This means that when you begin to talk it will be a natural progression from all that has gone before.
As your children develop into teenagers, the questions and issues will become more difficult. You need to have thought through your answers. It may be that you share your past failures in this area as a way of helping your children. Only you can make the decision about the wisdom of that.
In a world that treats sexual intercourse as a socially accepted part of a night out, you need to have prepared your teenagers to stand against that. They need to realise the value of intimacy of sex and that its greatest value lies in sharing it with one person.
For your children’s sake, tell them everything they need to know, because if you don’t somebody else will and you have no control over what they might say.
Top Tips
• Display affection, be comfortable with your body, show respect to others and break down traditional sexual stereotypes
• Find out the sex education policy followed by children’s school. Make sure you are happy with what they are teaching your children. If you are, encourage them, if not, challenge them
• Give your children all the information you can – they need it
• Your children will never be as shocked as you imagine
• At the appropriate time, share your past failures
