7) Forgive and Forget
How do you deal with the past? How do you deal with the pain of perceived failure? There are no simple answers, but to be able to move on you will at some point have to say these three words: ‘I forgive you’.
The power that forgiveness carries is enormous, for when these three words are said, no matter how hesitantly or quietly, they bring healing into broken and disturbed lives. Forgiveness can reach down into the darkest hole and release someone from years of anguish and pain.
Tragically the opposite is also true. Life after life is ruined when people won’t forgive, when they won’t leave the past behind. For those who will not forgive, the past takes over their existence. It eats away at their very core governing the way they respond to many different issues.
At some point in your role as a parent you will fail, and you will be failed by your children. A wrong word will be said, a wrong action will be done, and unintentional hurt will be inflicted. It will happen. What you must decide is how you are going to respond. Will you bottle it up inside, or will you confront it, deal with the past and move on with the healing power of forgiveness? It’s your choice.
Saying ‘I forgive you’ is incredibly hard and the longer it is left, the harder it is! So what stops us forgiving one another?
Four Enemies of Forgiveness
Enemy Number 1: We don’t know how to say it
Although they are only three simple words, they are so hard to get out. When is the best time to say it? Where is the best place? How do I start the conversation?
Here’s a hint: if you sense something is not right with your friends, children or wife/husband but are not sure what it is, try the simple line: ‘Tell me, are you OK, or is there something wrong?’ This opens the door to communication. If you have offended them without realising then they can reply, ‘Well, actually, now that you mention it…’, and they are off. You can then say, ‘Listen, I’m really sorry, will you forgive me?’ Before you know it the three words are said and everything is out in the open.
There is a more direct approach that can be taken: ‘Listen, there may be nothing in this, so just ignore me if I’ve got this wrong, but you do seem a bit cool towards me and I’m wondering if I’ve done something wrong.’ This gives them a chance to respond. It may be nothing they’re just preoccupied with something else, or they may be hurting and by addressing the situation you have given them a chance to say how they feel. This then gives you the chance to apologise and say those all important words: ‘Will you forgive me?’
Where teenagers are concerned, life is not as straightforward as in the examples above (as no doubt you already know!) A direct question does not always get a direct answer. But most of us are normally aware if we have said something that has caused hurt and the solution is to apologise for it.
Enemy Number 2: Pride
Pride is common to all of us. There is a right sort of pride – pride in a son or daughter who does well; pride in a piece of work you have done. But there is another, darker side to pride – pride that always puts me first; pride that holds the chin out and the head up. Here are some examples of this negative pride:
• How dare they say that to me? Who do they think they are?
• Forgive them – never! What they did to me was unforgivable.
• I’m not going to him. It’s his problem. If he comes to see me and sort it out, then fine. But until then I’m not doing anything.
• I don’t care if she is 17, she had no right to do what she did!
Recognise any of them? For any relationship to work there has to be give and take. We have to recognise that we can be, and are – at times – wrong. We have to admit that other people may be, and are – from time to time – right. We need to recognise that there will be times when our children are right and we are in the wrong.
Admitting you are wrong and have made a mistake is not a sign of weakness, it is actually a healthy sign. Don’t let something remain unresolved for the simple reason that you think you will lose face if you admit your mistake. In fact, you will grow in stature in the eyes of your children. Children and teenagers do not see admission of past failures as weakness. Rather, they see it as a bridge they can walk across to meet you. A shared failure makes us much more approachable and really helps our children.
Enemy Number 3: We enjoy the pain
It may seem strange, but my observation of relationships is that within all of us there lies a martyr complex. There are times when we enjoy wallowing in self-pity. We each feel that nobody understands us, everything is conspiring against us and in our minds we have arguments with everyone.
So if my partner has done me wrong, in my mind I begin to imagine all the things I would like to say to them – and I enjoy it. The trouble with some people is that it goes another step and they actually take on the personality of a martyr. How do we recognise them? Well, whenever we meet them they are speaking negatively about other people. They never have a kind word to say about anyone.
There are some people who enjoy the pain. Who knows where and when it began. What is certain is that at some point in the past somebody has done or said something and they have not sorted out the hurt. They have left it gather dust and now it drives their whole life. The funny thing, in a sad way, is that if we asked them what the hurt was they would not know. It is buried with everything else.
If we have fallen into this way of thinking, we need to break out of it. We must stop being negative, talk to the people who have upset us, and bring forgiveness into our lives.
Enemy Number 4: Too much time has passed
Parents often say: ‘I’ve really loved my kids, but looking back there are some things I wish I had done differently. But they are in their twenties now and it’s too late. If I could turn the clock back 15 years, who knows? I suppose I have to live with it.’ Well, no, you can’t turn the clock back, but it’s not too late.
People often say ‘time heals’, and in some cases it does – a cut leg heals; the immediate pain of the loss of a loved one becomes easier to bear; but time does not heal the pain of a wrong word or action. All time does is build a hard layer over the pain, and if somehow that layer is pierced it is still raw underneath. It’s never too late to say the words ‘I’m sorry’.
So if we feel we failed our children as teenagers, but now they are in their twenties, we can still we are really sorry – it will be like a new beginning. No matter how many years have passed it is never too late to tell somebody you forgive them.
All of us fail and we will all be let down. That is not the issue here. The issue is how we deal with it, and move on.
Put it right today. You know it makes sense!
Top Tips
• Build those bridges for your children to walk over
• If you know you’ve hurt somebody, put it right – today
• If your son or daughter has hurt you, put it right – today
• You are never too old to say, ‘I’m sorry’
• It’s better to get it wrong and make a fool of yourself than live the rest of your life with regret.
