6) Coping with your worst fears
Sadly there is no simple formula which can guarantee your children will turn out just as you imagine. Unfortunately parenting doesn’t work like that and most parents of teenagers will at some point find themselves wondering where they’ve gone wrong.
Here are three scenarios that will be going on in many homes today:
1) Mary is 14 years old and wants to go to a friend’s party that finishes at 2:00am. Mary’s dad tells her that she can’t stay that late because she’s too young. Mary pleads with him, telling him that Amy’s mum is letting her stay that late. Mary’s dad still says no and tells her that he will pick her up at midnight. Mary looks at her father, appalled. With tears running down her face she screams, ‘I hate you!’, and runs from the room. Her dad sits down and wonders where he failed.
2) John used to be a pleasant boy. He mixed well with his peers and was doing well in school. A couple of months ago his mother noticed a change in his behaviour. Instead of having a snack and watching TV after school he started to go straight to his room and stay there until going out again. His behaviour became erratic: some days he would be fine, others miserable. It was the money that finally made her take action: £100 went missing from her room. At first she thought she must have lost it. When £85 went missing the following month she realised what was going on.
John said nothing when she confronted him, looking through her as she tried to talk to him. Eventually he got up and walked out of the door. John’s mother desperately didn’t want to search his room but knew she had to. She discovered a small tin under his clothes and as she opened it and saw the syringe, razor blade and mirror her heart went icy cold. She sat on her son’s bed and wondered where it all went wrong.
3) On Wednesday night Joy told her parents she was pregnant. There was silence while Joy held her head up in defiance. But weeks of worry took its toll, and as all Joy’s energy left her she started to sniffle, then cry, and finally she sobbed and sobbed. Her mother ran to her and held her tightly. Right then their daughter needed them, but the question of, ‘where did we go wrong?’, would come later.
These stories illustrate the truth that parenting is painful. Time and again parents will ask, ‘Where did we go wrong?’; ‘How did we fail?’ These are big issues and there are no simple answers
Many parents lie in bed worrying about their teenagers, and often these worries remain in our minds. But when our worst fears do come true, they need to be dealt with. If they are not, a wall will be built between parent and teenager which will go with them to adulthood.
There are four important things to realise as you start to move on:
A) You are not alone
No family is excluded from difficulties. Whatever you are going through right now, thousands of other people are going through the same thing. Now that doesn’t solve the problem, but it does give some reassurance that you are not the only parent who is feeling the way you are.
B) Blaming yourself doesn’t help
One thing is certain about children. There are no guarantees. You can read all the books, follow all the guidelines, do everything right and still find they do things you wish they hadn’t. You may have brought all your children up in exactly the same way, but you are wondering why child number two now doesn’t listen to you at all. The simple answer is: God made us all to be individuals. He made us to be the people we are, each of us unique. So don’t blame yourself. Any mistakes you think you may have made are irreversible, so don’t dwell on the past, but focus on what you can do in the present.
C) If you don’t support them, no-one else will
If, for whatever reason, we withdraw our love and support from our children, we have created a worst-case scenario. We have taken away our love and support when they most need it. If a parent’s worst fear is realised, support is a vital part of maintaining a relationship with their teenager. If they don’t go to you for support, where will they turn? Look at the world around you; the places you may turn to for support are often inaccessible to your teenager. They need your love and support. However painful it may be, we must deal with the past and move on with our children to the future.
D) Tragic circumstances need to be put into context
Poor reports, disappointing exam results and a controversial choice of friends may be a bit of a let-down for you as a parent, but do keep things in perspective. Discovering your son has got someone pregnant or that your daughter is pregnant is devastating news – it will change your life – but they still have their health, and they still have their life before them. Keep things in perspective.
Above all we need to have grace with our children, giving them room to make their own mistakes. They are less likely to rebel if there is some leeway in our rules. We can still discipline our teenagers, but we must remember that they are growing up and need to make their own mistakes in order to learn.
