4) Talking to your teenager
Your teenager wants to talk to you!
As surprising as that may sound it’s actually a fact.
We live in a society where relationships are a key part of growing up and living out life in the real world. None is more important than the relationship between you and your child. It’s the one that you fret over late at night. The first relationship your child has is with you. They are constantly vying for your undivided attention, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Teenagers look to you as their parent for regular affirmation. You are someone to go to when things get a bit too tough for them. The next time your teenager utters ‘Muuum’ or ‘Daaad’ think about the things you really want to say because there’s a good chance that right now your teenager actually wants to hear from you. People ask for things when they need and want them, but it’s so easy for a busy and harassed parent to miss an opportunity like this.
It is highly important that you have a few ground rules for listening to and focussing your attention on your teenager. We’ve all heard the phrase ‘relationship is spelt T-I-M-E’. Don’t let this wash over you, take it to heart and your teenager will too.
Some ground rules for talking to your teenager
Ground rule 1
Focused attention is vital for your teenager. When they ask you a question it might not be the right moment for you, but that’s when you need to drop everything and give all your time and attention to your child.
You may think that you can listen attentively while you are driving your teenager to the football, or to the shops. You may also think that buying them the latest music system really said it all. This is not focused attention. Of course it all counts towards the relationship between you and your teenager, but they need your attention, your undivided time.
Ground rule 2
The older your child is, the more time they need. Life gets more complicated as your children get older, they face more trials and tribulations each day as knowledge expands and relationships deepen. Friends, school and society become increasingly pressurising and teenagers need their home to be a refuge.
Focusing your Attention Effectively – Some Tips
1. Accept that it is going to take time and be costly to you. You will have to give up your space, time, and desires for the sake of your children.
2. Time will pass quickly so take every opportunity. If we listen to our children when they are 5, 6 and 7 there is a chance they will listen to us when they are 15, 16 and 17.
3. Focused attention can be spontaneous, usually at your teenager’s prompting, although it can be planned by you. You’ll need to have some regular time where you go out, away from mobile phones and the temptation to stop off on the way to or from the time you share together. Another thing you will have to avoid is missing the meeting. The time you spend with your teenager is vitally important; if you push them aside they will notice. Arrange time to see them and stick to it.
4. You both need time to relax. Don’t expect full-blown honesty and deep conversation at your first meeting (see below for levels of communication). Take your time, as you do your child will relax and start to ask your opinion.
5. Remember they are asking for your opinion, not a lecture. Your views may differ from theirs, try not to look shocked. You are holding a conversation and its all about respecting each others opinions.
6. Pick up the signals for those ‘unplanned’ focused attention times: when they hang around you for longer than usual, when they begin to talk about something unimportant, when they come into your room late at night. These are critical times; if we do not recognise them then teenagers will interpret it as rejection.
As your teenager grows up you will recognise bits of yourself in their behaviour. If you set a strong example for them now in your communication, history may well repeat itself positively.
Remember levels of communication
Level 1 Clichés ‘How are you?’
Level 2 Facts ‘What did you eat for Lunch?’
Level 3 Ideas ‘What do you think?’
Level 4 Feelings ‘How does that make you feel?’
Level 5 Transparency ‘What is really in your heart?’
These levels are not a step-by-step process. Each person operates at different levels at different times. Don’t expect Level 5 to come after just one conversation with your teenager. Build on what you know, and don’t give up!
