3) Craving Love
What is the most important issue on your teenager’s mind?...
…Exams? Career? Drugs? Boy/girlfriends?
Even though your teenager may never verbalise it or act like it, their biggest concern is the answer to the question: Do my parents love me?
Love by Action
Deep down inside, every son and daughter needs to know that they are loved by their parents. They will gather an answer to that question not just by what you say, but by what you do. When your son is playing his first football match for the school it’s you he wants to see on the sideline. As your daughter speaks her first line in the school play, it’s you she wants to see in the audience.
This desire to be loved and accepted by our parents drives and moulds each of us – your role in this aspect of your child’s development is crucial.
Below are four scenarios showing different words spoken by parents in an effort to encourage their teenager, and what that teenager actually hears when they speak.
Scenario 1
Parent says:
‘John, we love you, but this report, well, it’s just not good enough. I spoke to Sian’s parents earlier and she has done so well. Really John, you can do better.’
John hears:
‘I’m not good enough; they wish Sian was their child.’
Scenario 2
Parent says:
‘John, we love you, but this report – well, frankly, we are a bit disappointed. Your dad never had the opportunities you had and you are blowing it. Now come on, you can do better.’
John hears:
‘My parents think I’m a failure and I’ll only be a success when I achieve what my dad wanted to be.’
Scenario 3
Parent says:
‘Mary I love you, but this report…Now if you want to be a doctor you will have to work much harder. I tell you what, I’ll pay you – for every A grade you get in an exam I’ll give you £10 and for every B grade £5.
Mary hears:
‘I am not interested in what you think – your academic success is all that matters to me so that is what I’ll reward you for.’
Scenario 4
Parent says:
‘Mary, I love you, let’s go out for coffee and have a chat. Tell me what you think of the report. Do you think it’s fair? What lessons do you think we can learn from it?’
Mary hears:
‘I love you and value your opinion.’
In all four scenarios the parents love their child and are acting with the best intentions. But the teenager hears something different to the words that are spoken.
This is because young people respond differently to the world than adults do. Young people are behaviourally orientated whilst adults are verbally orientated. A young person will interpret love primarily in terms of behaviour not in terms of what is said. So when you say ‘I love you’, it needs to be backed up with an action demonstrating that love. By standing in the pouring rain on a football field touchline you are demonstrating the love your teenager is looking for.
Love and Security
Young people constantly need love and security from their parents for two reasons:
1.
It helps them make the transition from childhood to adulthood, as it aids the process of them gaining their independence. To make that step they need the security of a loving home environment that they can come back to when they get ‘scared’.
2.
A young person who knows they are loved and feels secure has more chance of resisting negative pressures that are ‘out there’ in the harsh and hard world they are growing up in.
Unconditional Love
Your child needs to know that you love them unconditionally: irrespective of their physical appearance, their academic or sporting abilities or their friends. When they are loved unconditionally they can grow and explore who they are without worrying about failing or about trying to please you. They develop rounded views on matters. Conditional love is based on performance. Of course your teenager needs encouragement in their studies, and support in their musical and sporting achievements but…
…love them for who they are, not what they achieve.
Top Tips
• Words are powerful – always use positive ones
• Tell your children you love them, but do more – demonstrate it by your actions
• Spend time with them doing what they want to do
• Ask their advice and opinions on issues. Let them see that you value their views by putting some of them into practice
• Respect them as individuals – give them dignity both in private and in public
• Always build them up in front of their friends
